Fear

My biggest fear is not succeeding at things. I always want to be my best and I struggle with praising myself for the good things I do. I have these problems with just about everything. That involves being a wife, a  mother, school, my appearance. I have really been working on this subject for a short time now. I try to focus on the little thing s that i do to be a good mother and not as a big picture. I am trying to stay more focused on my schooling and use better studying techniques and take the time to devote to my studies, which in return sometimes makes me feel like I am not giving my kids all the attention that they need. I have been struggling with my weight since having my twins and have finally committed to taking time for myself. I also use this as a way to deal with the stresses of life. It gives me a way to have my own time to relax and do something for myself, because it is very hard to have my time with five children, full time school, and full time job. I work at night that way I am gone when my kids are sleeping which doesn't help with the amount of sleep I get but its worth the sacrifice. It wont be long and all my kids will be in school full time during the day and that will help tremendously. I strive everyday to keep things on schedule and make time for everyone I need to do things for. I have to say that my husband unfortunately gets the short end of this. Although he is gone all but about two days a week he does not see me much. But he knows this is just for a short time and the payoff will be worth it. My fear is that it is hard to keep a relationship when you don't have time for each other, so far it is doing ok. Again just a fear of failure on my part I guess. It drives my husband crazy that i am so hard on myself about these issues and he just keeps reassuring me about everything.

Not succeeding is a big issue for me. I have so many things in life that I want and things that I want to do. I want to be a good example for my children so that my children will grow to be responsible, strong and courageous adults. I want them to see that anything is possible and I want them to see that through me. I want to succeed myself in a career that is full filling and not just going through the emotions of its a job. If I can succeed at my career then it will lead me to retirement someday, in which I want to travel the world. See new places. I want a home of my own that I can relax in a grow old. I want to watch my children grow up and see where their paths go and what they make for themselves. All of my successes will come from the path I am on but the fear of not accomplishing any of them would throw everything off. I am constantly thinking what can I do as a backup plan instead of just pushing harder for what I want. I know that I need to work on this and really have been trying. Its getting better and I think each day my confidence grows a little more in myself. It has been a long road. I have felt like a failure for a very long time since I was very little because of certain circumstances but I am finally learning to let the past go. Letting go of the hurt and telling myself I can do this, I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I can change the course my life has been on for so many years. Quit worrying about what other think and quit comparing my life to others. My life is not theirs and I have to do whats right for me and my family. I have been learning to be happy with what I have and to accept the things I cannot change. I grow each and every day in this and I have to say that I rely on God a lot for this. He keeps me strong. I have had to do some major changing in my life and recover from a lot of hurt and anger along the way but have finally learned to let things go. Forgive people that need forgiving and to change the friends I have in order to keep things on the right track. Get rid of those around who continue to bring me down.

Making my life and making it my own. I think a lot of people struggle with this and I think this is why so many people are nosey and get into each others business. I had a problem of always comparing my life to some of those I went to school with. This in many ways kept making me feel like a failure at things in my life. They have things that I have always wanted. I finally had to stop comparing and realize the things that I have that they don't have. For example, I have five beautiful children compared to them only having a couple. I would never change any of that. I would always gladly give up the material things in life or postpone having them for the time,  emotions, memories that I have had with my children. Don't get me wrong of course there are some stressful times, moments and days but doesn't compare the the joy I have had with my children and the times we have shared and will share. Watching them grow everyday and see the amazing young people they are growing to be. Those material things that I used to let get me down don't mean a thing and are just very unimportant. I wish more people in life could realize this. The world has become so materialistic. I personally think that is why the economy is in such bad shape. People always buying more than they can afford. In debt up to their ears just so they can compare there lives to those of friends or local families. I think if more people were like this more people would be happy in life and there would be a lot more families staying together instead of families ending in divorce over finances and stress that is placed in relationships. The world has spun out of control. Everyday becoming more complex and putting temptations all around. I think sometimes we just need to say enough is enough. Why cant we just slow down and enjoy what we have instead of always stressing over what we want now, because once you get it, it wont be enough there will always be something else after that. More wants and more wants. Its insane. I try to teach my children to appreciate the things they have and enjoy them and take care of and respect it.